The Moment It Hits
You know exactly when it happens. You're in Slack, or in a meeting, or reviewing a PR. You suggest something — maybe refactoring that module, maybe trying a different approach to the problem. Normal work stuff
Then comes the response: "That's absurd." Or "Strange approach." Or my personal favorite: "I ran this by ChatGPT and..."
It's not the disagreement that stings. It's the dismissal. The subtle message that you're not just wrong — you're ridiculous for even thinking it
And here's the thing — they're not yelling. They're not openly hostile. They're being "rational". They have data, or AI, or "best practices" on their side. You can't even call them out because technically, they're just "having a professional discussion"
But you feel it. That little knot in your chest. That voice saying "maybe I shouldn't speak up next time." That's passive toxicity at work.
Anatomy of the Attack
Let's break down what actually happened in that conversation. Not in theory — in practice.
What they said:
"That's absurd. I checked with ChatGPT and it means something completely different."
What they actually communicated:
-
Your idea = absurd
Not "I disagree" or "I see it differently" — straight to ridicule -
AI > You
They didn't need to think about it themselves — they outsourced judgment to a bot -
You're incompetent
The subtext: "You don't even understand basic things" -
This conversation is over
No room for discussion. The verdict is in
Here's the kicker: if you tried to call them out, they'd say "I was just sharing information." But the weapon isn't in the words — it's in the tone
What a professional disagreement looks like:
"Interesting approach. I'm not sure I follow — could you walk me through your thinking? I checked some references and saw a different interpretation, but I might be missing something"
Notice: curiosity instead of judgment. Space for dialogue. Acknowledgment that they might be wrong
The difference? One opens a conversation. The other shuts it down while maintaining plausible deniability
The Symptom
In a healthy environment, people can say "I don't understand", "I was wrong", "I'm not sure". In a toxic one — they say "this is absurd"
The key symptom: vulnerability becomes impossible. Everyone armors themselves with "rationality" and "critical thinking", but underneath is fear — fear of being seen as incompetent, weak, or simply human
What To Actually Say
Forget the generic advice about "staying professional." Here are the exact responses that work
Response Scripts
When they say "That's absurd":
"Help me understand what specifically doesn't work for you."
→ Forces them to engage with substance instead of dismissal
When they invoke AI/authority:
"Interesting. What's your take on it, independently?"
→ Makes them actually think instead of hiding behind external validation
When they're being condescending:
"I noticed the tone shifted there. Let's keep this about the technical merits."
→ Names it without attacking them. Public channels work best for this
When you need to disengage:
"I'll document my reasoning in the ticket/doc. Happy to continue this conversation when we're both focused on solving the problem."
→ Creates space and a written record. No defensiveness needed
The pattern: Don't defend your idea. Don't match their energy. Just redirect to substance and make them do the work of actual communication
Remember: you can't change how they communicate. But you can refuse to play the game. When everyone else is performing rationality, actual clarity becomes your superpower
it's about fear of admitting you don't know everything